More Proof I’m a Horrible Person
A semi-close co-worker announced she was pregnant on Friday. More accurately I think she sang it loudly and often in the hallway. I found myself feeling incredibly irritated and the more irritated with her I became the more rotten I felt about myself. She is the first person who has announced since my positive results so I was annoyed that I found myself in the old pattern of jealousy. I’m finally where I dreamed to be and yet all the old feelings still lingered. I didn’t get.
Maybe it was that she announced to EVERYONE less than 24 hours after peeing on a stick. Maybe it was that unlike us she didn’t even wait for the “good” first morning urine, but haphazardly tested mid-afternoon. Maybe it’s just because she’s a loud, obnoxious person. Maybe, but really I think it was the carefree, relaxed attitude she portrayed. She never used the word “if” even once.
I realized that I still so mad at infertility. Infertility didn’t just rob me of the becoming pregnant in the much more pleasurable method that normal people use. Infertility stole my ability to relax and enjoy what I have longed for for so long. Infertility still follows me constantly hissing, “Don’t get too comfortable.” I hate that I clench my teeth every time I use the restroom expecting to see blood. I hate that my heart still races when I walk past the baby section in Target. I hate that 3 days after an ultrasound I resort to using the phrase “if I’m still pregnant.” I hate that every time we decide to share our news with another person we always end by explaining that this is a high-risk pregnancy and there are a number of things that could go wrong.
I just want to be able to enjoy this time, but I’ve been in this pessimistic rut for so long. I don’t know how to let go. I just feel like a horrible person. I was so naive. From the beginning I thought this was the finish line, but instead I found it was only the starting gate.
How does this make you a horrible person? Because we are blessed/cursed with realism? It make suck to be in the Infertile camp, but we forget how many advantages it has.
And this isn’t the finish line, nor the starting gate; it’s just another leg of the race in life.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoHere, here. I totally agree with you. I don’t think that jealousy is something that can ever be overcome - even when there is a real live baby in the picture. Unfortunately, infertility, even with positive outcomes, leaves permanent scars. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoI agree with the previous 2 comments.
It is NOT DONE to announce a PG to the world before 12 weeks. Bad form.
I knew that before infertility. I thought everyone did.
People who flaunt this rule are always going to grate on the nerves of people like us.
One of my fertile acquaintances announced her second PG at 6 weeks. I was appalled. She lost it a couple of weeks later. My first thought was ’serves her right for her arrogance’. THAT is horrid. Being jealous is not horrid.
Posted 1 year, 9 months agoDon’t be so hard on yourself - really. I would hate her also - she doesn’t have to think about the stuggles, stresses and could never understand what it is like to be in your shoes - even if she tried. Even though I am not pg (yet, hopefully) I still know that this infertility stuff ebbs and flows - some days are good and others really bad. I always wonder what kind of parents people like this are going to be. you see, it is all about them from day 1. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is great to celebrate the woman who is pg because of the amazing things her body is doing, but the real joy is that little one. It is like people who only read pregnancy and birth books until after the baby is born - it is like they are living for this moment of being the center of attention, advertising their fertility rather than thinking about picking up a parenting book because that is the real miracle and it lasts a whole lot longer than 9 freakin’ months.
I can’t wait for you to experience the day you can share your news with people - yes, you may still have many, many fears, but that moment will be well deserved.
Posted 1 year, 9 months ago